Thank You for Being a Friend: Life Lessons I Learned from The Golden Girls

Picture it: Richmond, 2010…

I’m in high school and my parents never have to worry where I am on an average Friday night. I’m cozied up in bed with popcorn and The Golden Girls.

Today, my work desk is covered with coasters and coffee mugs. In business meetings, coworkers and clients get to see the embarrassing desktop wallpaper before presentations. And, when a local fried chicken joint hosted a Golden Girls brunch with themed mimosa flights, I wore my t-shirt and got my ticket comped! (Shout out to Hot Chick in Shockoe Bottom!)

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To a random observer, The Golden Girls doesn’t seem like much. It’s a sitcom from the ’80s about aging women and the wacky situations they find themselves in. I once had a date laugh at me and ask, “Isn’t that for old ladies?” But, if you’ve seen the show, you know. The Golden Girls brilliantly tackles a smorgasbord of social issues. From the obvious like grief, ageism, and empty-nesting to even more radical territory like sexual harassment, racism, immigration, and LGBTQ acceptance.

The Golden Girls wasn’t afraid to put it out in the open in a way that was real and approachable.The Golden Girls is so brilliant in that it uses comedy to illustrate acceptance and learning about ourselves and others. There’s something for everyone to take away from this amazing series. Here’s 10 life lessons I learned from The Golden Girls

1. Life is too short to relive your trauma.

Blanche and Rose are widows, and when Sophia isn’t at the dog track, she’s usually at a funeral. Dorothy’s baciagaloop ex-husband Stan cheated and left her. Even after all that time has passed, each of the Golden Girls is affected by the trauma of their pasts. When Rose falls for the entirely loveable Miles, she still struggles with her guilt, feeling like she is cheating on her late husband Charlie. And the animosity between Dorothy and Stan is absolute bitterness turned comedy at its finest.

Yet, Dorothy handles it in stride. She wakes up every morning and fights that battle. Yes, she holds an immense amount of bitterness toward her ex, because after all he’s as sorry an excuse for a man as his toupee is for hair. But she doesn’t let that bitterness keep her from living her life. She dates when she wants to. She stays home reading on a Saturday night when she wants to. And, in the end, she forgives and lets go so that she can marry again. This time, to the right man.

We all have trauma in our lives. I still struggle with the scars left behind by my first real heartbreak and the feelings of failure left by my time in New York, but I find myself thinking of Dorothy and finding hope and, in that hope, strength. I was able to get myself out of bed, work hard and find a new career path, and even piece together my heart and start dating again.

The Golden Girls shows me that, with a little hard work and a solid support system, the traumas that shape us don’t have to define our futures. Every episode ends positively and hopeful. And though this is just fiction and screenwriting and TV magic, it’s nice to use what you see on the little box in front of you to positively affect how you see your own world. I believe very much in the power of visualization, and The Golden Girls has always reminded me that things are going to be a-okay. The traumas of today, will be lessons that lead to a joyful future.

2. Stay active and don’t be afraid to try something new.

We don’t really grow old until we stop moving. Newton’s Laws of Motion and all that. Life never dulls unless we let it. Whether it’s bowling tournaments, benefit dinners, or trips to the Bahamas, the ladies of Richmond Street are filling their golden years with fun and exciting things. They could all just wait until retirement and settle down in front of the TV, but they are living by a universal truth: It’s not how much time you have on this earth, but how you spend it.

I’m approaching my mid-twenties and I am far from my golden years, but I still find myself paralyzed by fear of it all ending. When I came out sunny-side up after a massive depression after dropping out of grad school, I gained a new perspective on life. There is still so much out there to see and do. Weekly, I scour Facebook to see what events are going on around town, I make the most of holidays, learn new skills, and try to celebrate the little things.

Regret is a theme that comes up again and again in The Golden Girls, but I think that, if you make the most of every moment, there isn’t much to regret. Putting yourself out there and trying something new could result in failure or embarrassment, but it could also mean a new friend or love or a new favorite pastime. Experiences, even the embarrassing ones, only enrich our lives. When I do face the twilight, I want to be able to say my life was rich.

3. Wear what empowers you.

We all know Blanche is famous for her over the top style. I’ve lost track of how many flashy red, sequined outfits she flaunts. And it’s a running gag for her to emerge from her bedroom and lean seductively against the hall entrance to unveil her ridiculously peacockish outfit or even broadcast her lack of undergarments.

Yet, in the end, can we really blame Blanche for being brave enough to be herself and wear what empowers her?

Fashion has been an important part of human society, probably since the first caveman draped a fur over his junk. The clothes we wear are an opportunity to express who we are and scream it at the world without speaking a word.

When I was younger, I so desperately wanted the iron-flat hair, the Hollister belly polos, and the tight jeggings every girl in the early 2000s wore. I thought fitting in would make me more secure, but as I began to develop my strengths in other areas of life – my intellectual abilities, my artistic expressions, and my compassion – I realized that it is being different that makes us powerful.

Each and every one of us is unique and brings so many colors to the palette. Why on earth would you want to want to look like someone else? How… boring. Fashion, to me, is about myself and taking control, and I do my best to cultivate that and learn about who I am with experimentation.

I like band tees and denim mini skirts, I like block heels and velvet, I like flannel and pointed toe western boots. I collect silly sunglasses and earrings that catch the eye. Sometimes I even surprise myself, and that’s okay. I wear what makes me feel the most like me.

4. Stand up for what you believe in.

At the end of the day, I can hope that each of us takes a stand that makes the world a better place. Even for just one person. Even if that one person is ourselves.

When Blanche’s professor tries to solicit sex from her in exchange for an A in her college course, Blanche refuses to give in. Though the word “slut” is thrown at her like confetti, her relations with men are always on her own terms and she will not be objectified.

When Dorothy’s prized pupil Mario is deported, she works to bring him back to the US legally. Rose refuses to let anyone tell her the world is less than a place that is more good than bad. And Sophia sticks to her Sicilian guns, living by a system of tradition that values family and loyalty.

Whether you’re defending the ancient tree in your neighbor’s yard or helping someone feel a little less alone, you have the power to enact good in this world. You may not see it, but you are setting examples everywhere you go.

5. Friends are the truest confidantes.

“Thank you for being a friend,” begins The Golden Girls theme song. (And, if you haven’t heard the viral gospel remix, please do yourself a favor and listen to it now.)

Like all TV themes, this song is short, but the message has always resonated with me – to the point of debating getting it as a tattoo. No matter what the girls of Richmond Street endure, from stolen earrings to stolen boyfriends, even if the hardships temporarily tear them apart, they always come back to the bond that holds them together. If you have ever experienced a friendship like this, you are truly truly blessed.

When I was going through the lowest point of my life while living in New York and severely struggling with my mental health to the point of physical malease, it was S who called every day, talking about nothing and narrating his trips to 7-Eleven. When I returned and was struggling to find a foothold in my new life, it was H who was there with an offer of coffee and conversation. And M who explored my city while I reacclimated myself to being okay. 

I once remember hearing a piece of advice that recommended extending thanks to someone rather than apologizing for your faults. If you’re running late, for example, thank those waiting on you for their patience rather than apologizing for your tardiness. This nugget of wisdom is with me everyday. And, I may not be the best friend, but I have had THE BEST friends a girl can hope for in her life. I am excited to see what the future holds for these and for friendships yet to come. And to all those who have been there for me, thank you for being a friend.

6. The right people will love your flaws.

For as long as I can remember, I had to be perfect. I was always teacher’s pet and it still gets under my skin to be wrong. Why? I think it stems from a need to be accepted and loved. But, what I had to learn was that the right people will love your flaws.

I used to lie to my parents growing up about silly things like grades and I have put in over an hour of effort before a first date to make myself “perfect” from the curls in my hair to the color of my toes. In the end though, the people who loved me and the people who I wanted most in my life were those who saw me in my bug-eyed glasses, oversized hoodies, and messy buns. Who have seen me neurotic to the point of tears or held my hair back in the early morning after drunk nights. And that’s okay. They still love me.

The girls in the house on Richmond Street love one another like sisters. They know Blanche is always going to flounder over men, Dorothy will always be a know it all, Sophia will gamble, and Rose will tell simple minded St. Olaf stories. Not a one of them is even close to perfect, but they are unafraid to be their true selves and thus find themselves surrounded by true and genuine friends.

Don’t try to be perfect. Accept that you are flawed and focus on being happy. You will eventually find yourself surrounded by others who are also real and genuine and who you can depend on. And, those who may want you to fit their idea of who you should be can go to hell.

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7. It is better to be single than disrespected.

I’ve had more than my fair share of heartbreak. I’ll also be the first to admit that I’ve made some bad choices in love. Red flags? What red flags?

When Dorothy begins an affair with a married man, her friends discourage her. Feeling their passion was beyond the sanctity of marriage, Dorothy rejects their protests and continues seeing him. But, what Dorothy failed to realize, was that his wife was not the only woman being played. Glen was having his cheesecake and eating it too. She eventually realizes this and leaves him in the hotel room after a rendezvous.

It is better to be single than disrespected, because at the end of the day, you are all you have. If you sacrifice who you are for another person, you will be forced to depend on them for your own happiness and will thus never be happy.

I’m guilty of losing my own self-respect out of fear of the pain at being alone. Of making decisions I wasn’t proud of and putting myself in situations I should never have been in. However, I have learned the hard way to know my worth and not let anyone have the power to change my opinion of myself.

8. Endings are never forever.

The summer after my freshman year of college, I studied abroad at Kingston University in London. On my last night there, I gathered with all of my new friends at our favorite pub. I remember saying goodbye and my friend J telling me, “It’s not goodbye. It’s only farewell.”

And that stopped me. Even though I was knee deep in a pitcher of Sex on the Beach and a little fuzzy headed, she was right. She was drunk at the time too, but she was right. It wasn’t goodbye, it was only farewell. Our separate ships were sailing to different harbors, but our friendship and our memories – just like Stan Zbornak – weren’t going anywhere.

The Golden Girls is about transitions, and some of the most significant transitions we will experience. Children leaving. The loss of youth. Marriage. Divorce. Retirement. Death. The show must end and, eventually, Dorothy leaves the house on Richmond Street. But an ending is just a new beginning.It’s all too easy to let the idea of change petrify us and keep us from enjoying life. If you mourn something before it’s gone, you’ve cheated yourself out of some really great living. After all, The Golden Girls doesn’t even start until the girls have already completed the first half of their lives. But there was clearly enough life in that second half worth making a sitcom of. There is always more.

9. Growing old is a gift.

When I turn 25, I will have a meltdown. The thought of being a quarter of the way dead keeps me up at night. 25 years and what would I have to show for it? Every day on social media I am bombarded by engagements, wedding photos, and promotions. My youth is dwindling and I have spent most of it feeling unsatisfied with my fat rolls or know-it-all personality.

I remember my mother once telling me, “A woman is most beautiful at twenty four.” If twenty four is supposed to be my peak, then what do I have to look forward to? Eventually everything and I mean EVERYTHING will be over, and I’m running out of time. Of course, this train of thought can easily spiral well beyond my control, and only one thing can derail it.

The whole premise of The Golden Girls is that they are old. It’s funny in a Shakespearean drag kind of way. But, look at their lives. These Miami ladies may be older, but they still dress in sequin gowns and are taken on dates and have sex and pursue hobbies and careers. They have fifty years of life to look back on either pleasantly or as a guiding reminder of lessons learned.

Getting older is only a death sentence if you refuse to keep living. When I am overcome – as many of us are – by exhaustion or depression or anxiety – I am tempted to let myself sink into the sand and wallow in it all. But, I think of the sequin gowns and the slices of cheesecake and the memories I could be missing out on and pull myself back up.

10. There’s always room for cheesecake.

On a similar thread, life is short. We will gain weight. We will lose it again. We will be in love. We will be heartbroken. If we’re lucky, we only get 100 years on this earth. In the grand scheme of things, that isn’t a lot of time.

I’ve had to learn to assess the priorities in my life. I could spend my evenings worried about whether a boy liked me back or whether I was going to be able to meet a deadline at work or whether my writing was any good. Or I could call a friend, pour some coffee and have a slice of cheesecake.

No matter how busy life gets and no matter how much our jobs and goals demand of us, we cannot forget that we are not on this earth to please others or to be thin and pretty, or to make money. We are here to live.

So there it is. I guess I’ve gathered a few things from my fifteen-year obsession with The Golden Girls. And I’m sure the show will follow me as I grow and teach me even more about myself. To the ladies of Richmond Street and to my friends and followers, thank you for being a friend.